In rare moments these days I'm inspired to take action. I rephrase- on a daily basis I'm inspired to take action; however, most of the time I end up sitting and staring out the window Thinking about how inspired I am while simultaneously keeping my butt glued to the couch.
How very ambitious of me to want to inspire, yet how to inspire myself to share with you my reason for being here.. I realize that I have not told a story yet.
I fell in love a really long time ago. I fell in love with the Idea of L-O-V-E. I thought it was this magical thing, this unattainable thing, something that really only existed in movies or books. I remember asking my mother what love was, and she said "it's something that happens between two people." She also said "if a boy ever says I love you it's ok to have sex with him" (I was 13). I digress...the upbringing I had was less than normal. So, why should anything I say inspire you? I suppose because I learned a lot about love by idealizing it. I learned what love is and what love isn't. I learned that sometimes loving yourself is more important than giving it away to someone else and having none left.
Who am I, you may be wondering, to tell you about love. Here is my story, it's not pretty, it's not a fairy tale, but it's real. You already know I had a mother who gave me not great advice, sometimes I was more the mom in the relationship than she was, my father- most abusive man on Earth. Essentially I was lucky enough to have a grandmother who ended up with me, and we loved and tortured each other for the better part of my adolescent life. Her notion of love was to withhold it. Her advice to me when I asked her about love- she said, "don't concern yourself with it, marry for money." My own idea of love was all about romance and the idea that anything less than mad passionate love was a waste of time (line from a movie- MAD LOVE).
I can say that my first experience with love came about in the form of a pet. I had this wonderful dog named Lucky, she was the first thing I can say I ever really loved because it hurt so much when I lost her. I learned at a very young age that love=loss or pain. So, fast forward to my teen years and I will tell you the tale of love gone wrong a few times, or what I thought was love. A multitude of relationships lead me to redefine love a few times over, and after a particularly traumatizing experience I pretty much gave up on LOVE altogether. What I have learned that has stuck with me the most is all the various kinds of love there are, I had no idea about that when I was a teenager, or a pre-teen for that matter. I always thought there was only one kind of love. But it turns out I was wrong, I'm wrong about a lot of things quite a bit in my life, and that's ok- wrong = an opportunity for learning and growth.
I'm losing my train of thought now..the man I love is currently rolling on the floor in a state of disarray playing with camera gear....I think I'll get some ice cream...
To be continued....
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